Find Your Fierce..a life long path of discovering your fierce.

I AM FIERCE! Say it. Say it out loud. Look yourself in the eye in a mirror and say it confidently; 'I AM FIERCE!'

Believe me, you are, without a doubt a beautiful, strong, powerful, fascinating, fierce woman. I don't have to meet you to know this. We are women. We are strong, we have to be. We are the makers, the creators, the no bullshit takers. What is more frightening, more awe inspiring, than a momma bear protecting her cubs? That is what we are. And we are that not only for our children, but for our friends, our family, complete strangers. Within each of us lies that fierce. A ferocity that can not be squelched. Sometimes we simply need to be reminded of it, shown the path back to it. For me boudoir is one of the paths to your fierce.

I love being a boudoir photographer. I love creating beautiful, intimate, fierce photographs of women. But more than that I love being part of the process of a woman finding her fierce. I've had the privilege of being part of that process for hundreds of women. And it's amazing, empowering every single time. It's amazing to watch my clients come into my studio feeling a bit nervous, a bit insecure about such an intimate photography session, and then seeing them leave my studio walking a bit taller, with a bit more of a swing in their hips, a twinkle in their eye, they are feeling FIERCE! Once they've felt that, there is nothing that can take it away.

It's not only when I'm photographing my clients that I find myself in discussions empowering women. As a woman I feel it is part of my path in the Universe to empower every woman I can. And so the Universe brings me women in need of a bit of a push. I believe it's my willingness to 'lift the veneer', show them that beneath what they see publicly of me, under the shine, I am a woman, just as they are. I have fears, faults, shadows and skeletons. But I do not allow those things to stop me. They do not make me less, in fact for me, they make me more. If I think back to the woman I was in my 20's, she never could have imagined the woman I am at 45 (46 in April, YES!). The sum of my parts makes me who I am. No one else has that exact magical mix. I do not say this in a conceited, vainglorious way. I do not think I am better than the person standing next to me. I simply know, without a doubt, that I am unique. I am the sum of my parts. A unique mix in the universe. We all are. As Carl Sagan said: "We're all made of star stuff". (yes, I'm a nerd, that's one piece of the sum of my parts) Do not compare yourself to those around you. Raise each other up! We are all amazing! Help the women around you find their fierce! When you are fierce, when you own it, the women around you feel it. They will pick up on that and know that it is safe for them to feel it as well. This is how we will inspire each other.

So go on, right now, say it loud:

I am FIERCE!!

Did you say it? Good. Feel it. Let it sink in and revel in that.

This is the start of a blog series I'm going to do featuring some amazingly inspiring and fierce women. Read their stories. See yourself in their stories. Realize that no matter what is being thrown at you, you are amazing. Lean on your fierce friends when you need to. Reach out to the women that surround you. And be a woman that others know they can rely on. Raise each other up. Find your fierce.

I've asked several women to answer some questions for me. These are intimate, soul bearing questions. It's in lifting our veneer that we can show other women that they too can be fierce.

I met the woman I'm about to introduce you to around 9 years ago. This woman amazes me. She has dealt with more shit in her life than should be thrown at one person. And she perseveres. She rises to the occasion and deals with all of it with grace. She'll tell you she doesn't. But that's the veneer, isn't it? We always have this fear of someone seeing beneath our veneer. But it's rare to see the complete disorganized shit show that we all have going on from time to time. All right, sometimes it does not feel like we haven't been a shit show in a REALLY long time. But we're all dealing with something. We all have our own little shit show going on at any given time. It's OK. It's how you deal with your personal shit show that makes you amazing.

So now meet Christine. My amazing, talented, thoughtful, graceful, spirited and yes, incredibly FIERCE friend:

How do you define fierce?

Going beyond your greatest fears (or directly through them, if necessary) with intention.

My particular journey has yielded many opportunities to grow my fierceness:  

• avoiding creaky floorboards while quietly escaping my rapist’s house once he finally fell asleep; 
• mustering my 10 year old courage to touch my father’s cold cheek while he was lying in his casket to know for certain he was dead so that I could move forward;
• making it appear to my children that I was eating when money was so tight that I could only feed four…not five.
• promising my daughter that I would ‘make it stop’ during the minutes she lost her speech from a massive stroke ~ even though I had no idea how I would; 
• And a million moments in between. 

Who do you think is fierce? Who inspires you?

My women friends. 

The one who lived without running water and built her house with her own hands one room at a time in order to live within her means. The one who is not afraid of her femininity and wears it without apology.  My daughter who fought with everything she had to recover all but her pinky finger after a right cerebral artery stroke that certainly would have killed me. Or the friend who refused to let the murder of her husband harden her but who chose, instead, to let it strengthen her compassion. The one who valued her partnership with her husband so dearly that she stood beside him through many failed hospitalizations for his substance abuse until, together, they found the one that worked. Or the pediatric oncologist who saves kids’ lives every day or helps them to die gracefully. 

Every one of them…and more. 

Who reminds you that you are fierce?

My life requires that I remind myself.  This makes me fiercer than most. 

And when that fails? Other women. Always other women when things approach impossible.

What do you do when you aren't feeling particularly fierce?

I do whatever is counterintuitive to remind myself that I am alive and, in fact, flourishing.

• If I feel ugly, I put on my curvy dress and take myself out for a glass of pinot noir.   
• If I feel inadequate in my writing, I find an open mic and read whatever I have.
• If I feel burdened, I reach out to someone to offer them care.
• If I feel trapped, I place a joyous hummingbird tattoo on my ribcage near my heart to invite life and light to take residence there.  

I do whatever is necessary so that I never, never lose my fierce again.  

Can you share a moment when you felt least fierce? What did you do to come out of that?

There was a moment at the end of my abusive marriage that I decided I couldn’t go on. I wasn’t going to actively end my life.  I was just going to crawl into bed until I didn’t exist anymore.  It was that simple.  

I didn’t speak.

I didn’t move.

I didn’t eat.

And then my 5 year old daughter carried two pair of my black shoes to where I was lying and asked me with urgency which pair they should bury me in.  

This is the moment that my fierceness was reignited.

I did the impossible. With virtually no life left in me I lifted my emaciated body out of bed all by myself to show my daughter what it means to fight.  

Is there a moment in your life when you felt particularly fierce, like you could take on the world? Can you share that? 

Yesterday.  Which is ever so strange. It was an average day.  Rather a long one, in fact, without any time to care for myself or bother with makeup.  As I was turning down my bed to go to sleep and thinking about the writing I had done that morning I caught a glimpse of myself in my full length mirror with the cherry frame. Jeans with tattered pockets. Gray ribbed tank. Braless as I allow my tattoo to heal. Tibetan prayer beads hanging between my breasts with a loose, colorful scarf thrown over them. New violet tint in my wildly curly hair. Barefoot. Dark, soulful, alluring eyes. Insanely sensual. And with a crooked smile that wants to be. I sat down to have a look and realized in that moment just how powerful I am. There was no vitriol. No charge. No vehemence. Just a quiet I-am-going-to-fill-this-fucking-planet-with-my-authenticity kind of fierce. 

These moments come infrequently in my life; a handful in total so far. And I cherish them in a way that makes me want to store them in colorful bottles crafted from sea glass on window sills in every room so that my light pours through them and splashes my grace into the world everywhere.  

What is the one thing you can do or think about that reminds you that you are fierce?

I remember that I have lived a life that has largely silenced me.  And then I remember that I have something to say and I say it ~ through my writing, with my photography and in the profoundly intimate advocacy that I do for other women who, like me, have been silenced along the way.

And still she stands...

A beautiful, powerful, empowering example of the beauty created by the stardust in the Universe that is Christine. Each fierce woman I know has this in her. We all do. Find it, own it, embrace it, share it. 

Find Your Fierce!

For more of Christine's raw, beautiful writing check her blog out at Finally Quiet

And as always, I am here for you. I'm an ear, a partner in crime (metaphorically speaking of course), and of course, a boudoir photographer. 

Ciao Bella Boudoir